It's been a struggle for about a week, emotionally. I was surprised, blind-sided and amazed with how deeply and intensely I was missing Mom. I haven't been this way for years, what happened?
Thinking about it, I've come up with a few revelations.
First of all, there's nothing wrong with me. Sometimes these things just occur, sneaking up on us without warning. I'm human, and actually, I'm glad I can feel.
I've been writing more, and looking back on what I've worked on, I've brought up a lot of old memories. It seems like I've been living in the past mentally for a few months now. Even Bob Dylan brings up long forgotten experiences--a voice deeply linked to the 60's and 70's, the time of my childhood.
I've gone through a year of losses, and it kind of accumulates, I think, psychologically where I needed some kind of emotional release. Den and I finally put away the last few items around the backyard that linked us to Buttercup. And I can barely go to work without thinking about Daniel, especially as I am closing all the time--that was Daniel's old shift.
Finally, I'm a little isolated. My friends work the hours that I'm not and vice versa. I'd like to connect with the ladies at the cardio classes, but I don't want to seem too needy, know what I mean? My family is far, far away in the land of the West and Pacific Northwest. And busy. Thinking about it, I don't call as much as I should, either.
So what now?
Get agressive in breaking out of my bubble. Call friends...call family... seek out fun things to do with them...visit...fellowship...nothing's going to fall into my lap. ESL will start up again and Den and I are ready to get involved with International students at our church again, as well. There is also a 13 week course starting up at our church about biblical counseling that sounds interesting.
Go forward with plans to adopt, get a new puppy, travel, work projects--think of the future for a change. I've been letting other things or people set my schedule, instead of me taking control of it. What do I want? Do I really trust God? What stops me from walking in faith?
Writing is good, and I don't want to give it up. But I've got to broaden my subject matter a bit. And go deeper with the new ideas. Dennis wants me to take writing classes. Sounds good.
Well, if I didn't have this emotional crisis, I wouldn't have known what I know now. It was a wake up signal, to start living. What got me through was your prayers and God reminding me of good memories of Mom. Things that made me laugh out loud in the middle of my tears. She was a headstrong, sometimes unapologetically brassy and sometimes very sensitive woman. She deserves to be remembered, missed and spoken of. And I will. Only with more balance.