Yesterday I went swimming and nearly cried in my frustration over my lungs inability to cooperate with my workout goals. It felt humiliating to have to start all over as though it was the first time back three years ago, when I knew I was capable of doing as much or more as everyone else around me. And I nearly got myself into trouble at the deep end of the pool because I was pushing myself too hard and my bronchial tubes were having spasms.
So I hit the showers after only five laps in half an hour. I was angry and I was worried. If I couldn't work out, how would I be able to take care of myself? I had waited a month for my foot to heal, and now this.
As I left the locker room, I wondered if I was putting my self esteem into how many laps I swim. And that perhaps I should vary my work outs with walks and other exercises like more yoga. And that perhaps I should control my eating more and reduce my Weight Watchers points to a lower amount. So, I confessed my sinful way of handling my negative emotions (there was mental cursing involved) by the time I reached the car. I got home and took my blood glucose. It was 88. The lowest I had ever seen it. Which surprised me, since I cut back on my glucophage doses to protect my kidneys. It was still low this morning when I woke up, around 116.
So, I'm off to the pharmacy with a new prescription for a blood pressure med I know I don't need, simply because the doctor said that it would help my lungs function. He said that I had asthma, but I never had symptoms of it in my life. As for the low glucose readings, maybe my pancreas woke up and decided to work today. I'll take a few more readings after meals and see what happens.
I'm not sure what God is teaching me here, exactly. I wish I could say I am as fervent now in my seeking Him as I was 25 years ago. But I did learn then how it is possible to see His love and goodness even through the bad circumstances, and I know He is just as loving and good now as He was back then.
Perhaps today I will get five slow laps in. Perhaps I will be thankful I can still swim at all.