Wednesday, November 12, 2008

What's On My Mind

Not much lately...too busy to sit around and contemplate very much these days. Too busy to even see Dylan in Kalamazoo a few nights ago! He's happy because Obama is the new president, and so his performances are a little more energized these days, which is something to see. I've been working on discipline in my life, and so there have been some changes.

Discipline and consistency have not been my strengths. It's one of the reasons my weight fluctuates, going up and down (lately, down). Throughout my life, I've resisted routines in anything. But in order to deal with diabetes, routine is essential.

When first diagnosed, I was scared, shocked and hard on myself. Then, I swung from one extreme of over vigilance to the other of denial. I've had some hard chain reaction types of health issues this summer because I lost focus on some small daily checks that could have saved me some trouble. For instance, if you have diabetes, you have to aggressively deal with any problems that come up with your feet and quickly.

Getting through that and all the complications, I realized that I have to believe God wants me to learn something from all this. That it is possible that He loves me and still let me have diabetes. For awhile, I wondered. For awhile, I was angry. And finally, I realized that this was a gift. Without the gift of diabetes, I would not have learned to develop discipline of self care. I would probably have continued with my unhealthy co-dependent tendency of taking care of everyone else but myself.

I am taking a cardio and strength training class three times a week. This is the third week and I wanted to quit because my knees are feeling like they are about to blow out. But I got up this morning and went to class early to talk to Lisa, my class instructor about it. She showed me some things to help me out and checked on me during the class to make sure my form was not hurting my knees. I didn't want to drop the class--I feel as though I've gotten a lot out of it--and it didn't occur until my quiet time prayer yesterday that maybe I need to ask for help. That I need to take care of my knees by asking for advice--something that I wouldn't ordinarily do because speaking up is not something you believe you can do when you are dysfunctional.

A co-worker expressed that she was jealous because I was working out, but I told her it took getting diabetes for me to finally do it. I really don't want to take drugs with crazy side effects. I really don't want my kidneys or heart or any other essential body part to give me a bad time. All I want is to serve and love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength--strong kidneys, strong arms, strong feet, strong eyes, strong circulatory long as He enables long as I do my best to take care of temple He dwells in.

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