Monday, August 24, 2009

Prayer Life

I've been thinking more about prayer than actually praying, lately. But that is actually an improvement from where I was a few weeks ago.

When I was single, it seemed like I was always praying. As a single woman living in Seattle, I was more aware of my needs, desires and hopes. And my weakness and inadequacies. I worked hard and prayed harder. I prayed because it seemed like there was only One whom I could turn to who understood me completely.

As a newlywed, I was also driven to God in prayer--so much going on with marriage that I needed God to help me grow up and be a wife. I was experiencing a deep healing in my life and God brought me through one of the deepest depressions I've ever known.

As a woman in her 30's, longing for a baby and not coming to terms that time was against me in this matter, I dove into my conversations with God with desperation. At the same time, I was cultivating a faithful heart in order to pursue "a long obedience in the same direction". I had to grow up in my faith that I would serve God whether He gave me children or not. My walk as a Christian was no longer about my fulfillment but on obedience. Most of my prayer life was about hanging on when I was dealing with doubt and disillusionment.

So, what's wrong with me now? I'm rounding the corner and heading to 50. I am not going to live forever in this world. And this is what preoccupies me the most. How much time do I have and how I am going to make it count to glorify Him the best? I rely on Him to help me do His will and I trust Him completely in whatever He chooses to do (Proverbs 16:9) but in the meantime, I don't have long and I don't to waste my life. The only thing that matters is God's Kingdom.

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